Thursday, May 7, 2009
The call that brought my confidence to an all time zero !
last night, i called my crush to confess to her about my feelings. I was planning on telling her straight but when i hear the beeping sound of the phone, i reconsidered. But before i got a chance to hang up the phone she picked up and when i heard the beautiful voice of hers, i chickened out. Because i called her and i can't tell her why i called, i lied and said i just want to ask something about the assignment that my lecturer gave me. She gladly helped me but the more we talked the more confident i got. After more than an hour of small talks, i said to her that enquiring about the assignment was not the real reason i called. And right at the moment after i told her that i liked her and asked her if she would become my girlfriend, i knew that i've done a horrible mistake. To make things worst, there was a long pause. I think that was the longest pause of my life because in that moment of silence, i know that shes never going to accept it. We had only became friends for 3 weeks and in that period i have just went out with her only once but my weak heart had fallen for her. I know if i keep it like the way it was i will never had a chance because she will think that i only befriended her because i wanted to be her boyfriend which is not! After the freaking long pause, she said ''taktau'' which means dunno. At that exact moment, my heart just sank and i thought that it will never beat again. But then the sound of her voice came again saying that she really does'nt know. Those words brought back to my life because the foolish me thought that there is still hope but then she gave away the killer blow saying that she is in somewhat of a relationship with someone else. Like the killer blow wasn't enough, she gave me a kick in the balls saying that i think we should just be friends which in my head translates to "i don't like you so i'm rejecting you.''. If u thought the worst was over, well it didn't. I was rejected a couple of times before. The aftershock of rejection always hits me a few minutes after i finished the call. But comparing my old rejections with this is like comparing an ant with an elephant. Right after the kick in the gut line, i know i fucked it and i just put on a cover and talked calmly to show her that i wasn't that dissapointed. Do you know the saying ''my heart was shattered into a million pieces.'' well take that and multiply it by 100. IT WAS THAT FUCKING PAINFUL TO HEAR THOSE WORDS. Somehow i managed to end the call without showing any sadness of me being sad about the rejection. After that i went to the toilet and looked in the mirror, i stared at the image of the person inside it. Well it was me of course but it was like the image of myself was mocking me. I felt that i was like a fucking loser who could not even have a girlfriend. I kept thinking people always says that there's always more fish in the ocean but somehow i think im on the summit of Mount Everest, freezing away to death ALONE.
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I'd just like to point out that it isn't the end of the world :) Although it seems unfaithful to be thinking such things but some truths can't be denied; another one will come along and you'll have your chance :) Of course it hurts but it's nothing that time can't fix though only if you allow it to do so :) Everything is a choice <3
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